Great interview with Jenny Block, who just wrote a book on open marriage/polyamory. Her actual website is: www.jennyonthepage.com/index.html
Three's Company: Jenny Block Q&A
(5/21/2008)
A former Richmond writer lets the world in on her (not so) dirty little secret
Jenny Block is a writer who didn’t have to look far for compelling material. Her new book, Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage, chronicles her private struggle to find common ground between conventional marriage and her own, less conventional sexual identity.
After much emotional trial and error, Block and her husband agreed on an arrangement that kept them happily married: she would have a girlfriend. Though the real-life love story sometimes reads like a blend of Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City and The L Word, it becomes clear that all the risqué drama leads to domestic bliss.
Ultimately, the 37-year-old Block’s message is that marriage comes in all sizes and shapes. Hers just happens to be a triangle.
Q: At what point did you feel the need to write about your private life?
A: About three years ago, I started searching the Internet and bookstores trying to find some information for myself. I wasn’t finding what I was looking for, but I was finding a lot of people out in the cyber-universe who were having conversations about these relationships and searching the same way I was. There were a lot of negatives out there that didn’t seem to be based in any kind of fact. So, even though it was scary, it seemed like there was something to be gained by putting a sort of girl-next-door face on something that I think is very natural and normal and average.
Q: How did your husband and then-girlfriend feel about it?
A: They were really supportive, and that’s what pushed me over the edge. My husband is very shy and quiet and totally the opposite of me, so if he was supporting me in it, then I felt really good about it.
Q: How do you handle the situation with your daughter?
A: It’s such a non-issue, because at her age [9 years old], she doesn’t really know anything about sex, and she doesn’t have any understanding that a lot of people connect marriage with sex or that there’s this rule about loving only one person. In her life, she loves lots of people. So that makes sense to her. We’ve always had people over. Whatever “best friend” I’ve had at the time has always come and hung out. She wouldn’t know the difference between any person’s roles. I liken it to other people’s private sexual lives and the way they keep it private from their children.
Q: What did your parents think?
A: My dad is a rabbi, and he’s very liberal and open. We’ve always talked about everything, but not sex in particular. But I came to my dad with this the same way I go to him for everything. I went to him on an intellectual level and said, “I need to know what you think about non-monogamous relationships.” He said, “I think they’re much more natural and more people would like to have them.” So I knew I was in a good spot. And when I told him, he couldn’t be any more unfazed. My mom’s only reaction was, “Just make sure you’re all talking and communicating and that everyone is happy and on the same page.”
Q: What’s the trickiest part of focusing on two people in a relationship?
A: I guess it’s the same as any kind of juggling — two jobs, two things to write, two children. In some ways I feel like I’m a better partner because I’m a hypersensitive partner. I cannot be careless with either of them. There’s too much at stake. I thought one partner was more difficult. This just seems to make sense to me. I understand that not everybody gets that, and I appreciate that. I don’t think this is for everyone, and I’m not prescribing it for other people. Yes, it’s hard. Is it any harder than a monogamous relationship? I think all relationships between human beings are tough.
Q: Since you’ve decided to be exclusive with your girlfriend and your husband, do you think the term “open marriage” still applies?
A: I wish I knew. The language is one of the biggest problems. When I first started talking about this open marriage, people were like, “Oh, you’re swingers? You go to sex parties?” And I was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa … OK, we are obviously not down with the lingo.” We’re not saying what we mean to be saying. Is it still appropriate? I don’t know. I use it for lack of a better word.
There was a book in the ’70s, called Open Marriage, by a couple, the O’Neills. Two pages in that book talk about sex. What they were [mostly] talking about was maintaining your individuality, being open and honest with each other. So I’d like to think we’re part of that “open marriage” movement.
There are people who have all these interesting permutations of who they have romantic love relationships with, who they have family partnering relationships with and who they have sexual relationships with … It’s people trying to figure out something that people have been trying to figure out since the dawn of time, which is how to live and be happy and navigate relationships and sex and love — all the hardest and best parts of life.
Q: Do you identify with the gay community?
A: One hundred percent. I hate all the boxes and identifying, but if you ask me, I say I’m bisexual. I wrote the book in a gay coffee shop. You know, the gay community figured this stuff out a long time ago. In some ways because gays and lesbians can’t get married, that community has made up their own rules. If you’re not “allowed” to do traditional marriage, then “What is this relationship? How do we define it? What does this mean?”
Q: Your arrangement seems to scare some people. What do you think they’re afraid of?
A: I think they’re afraid of a couple things. Remember when you were in elementary school and you would chew a piece of gum in class? That one girl who always sat in the front row would catch you, and she’d tell on you. I remember thinking, “Why do you have to tell on me? I wasn’t bothering you. I wasn’t bothering anybody.” It’s almost like, “If I have to follow the rules and be miserable, then so do you.” And that makes me really sad. I think some people are so indoctrinated with their religion or morality or whatever [that] if they let go of that for one split second, their entire universe would come tumbling down. I mean, imagine if I’m on to something. Imagine if I’m “right.” What would that mean? —Pete Humes
www.richmondmagazine.com/ME2/dirmod.asp
Three's Company: Jenny Block Q&A
(5/21/2008)
A former Richmond writer lets the world in on her (not so) dirty little secret
Jenny Block is a writer who didn’t have to look far for compelling material. Her new book, Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage, chronicles her private struggle to find common ground between conventional marriage and her own, less conventional sexual identity.
After much emotional trial and error, Block and her husband agreed on an arrangement that kept them happily married: she would have a girlfriend. Though the real-life love story sometimes reads like a blend of Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City and The L Word, it becomes clear that all the risqué drama leads to domestic bliss.
Ultimately, the 37-year-old Block’s message is that marriage comes in all sizes and shapes. Hers just happens to be a triangle.
Q: At what point did you feel the need to write about your private life?
A: About three years ago, I started searching the Internet and bookstores trying to find some information for myself. I wasn’t finding what I was looking for, but I was finding a lot of people out in the cyber-universe who were having conversations about these relationships and searching the same way I was. There were a lot of negatives out there that didn’t seem to be based in any kind of fact. So, even though it was scary, it seemed like there was something to be gained by putting a sort of girl-next-door face on something that I think is very natural and normal and average.
Q: How did your husband and then-girlfriend feel about it?
A: They were really supportive, and that’s what pushed me over the edge. My husband is very shy and quiet and totally the opposite of me, so if he was supporting me in it, then I felt really good about it.
Q: How do you handle the situation with your daughter?
A: It’s such a non-issue, because at her age [9 years old], she doesn’t really know anything about sex, and she doesn’t have any understanding that a lot of people connect marriage with sex or that there’s this rule about loving only one person. In her life, she loves lots of people. So that makes sense to her. We’ve always had people over. Whatever “best friend” I’ve had at the time has always come and hung out. She wouldn’t know the difference between any person’s roles. I liken it to other people’s private sexual lives and the way they keep it private from their children.
Q: What did your parents think?
A: My dad is a rabbi, and he’s very liberal and open. We’ve always talked about everything, but not sex in particular. But I came to my dad with this the same way I go to him for everything. I went to him on an intellectual level and said, “I need to know what you think about non-monogamous relationships.” He said, “I think they’re much more natural and more people would like to have them.” So I knew I was in a good spot. And when I told him, he couldn’t be any more unfazed. My mom’s only reaction was, “Just make sure you’re all talking and communicating and that everyone is happy and on the same page.”
Q: What’s the trickiest part of focusing on two people in a relationship?
A: I guess it’s the same as any kind of juggling — two jobs, two things to write, two children. In some ways I feel like I’m a better partner because I’m a hypersensitive partner. I cannot be careless with either of them. There’s too much at stake. I thought one partner was more difficult. This just seems to make sense to me. I understand that not everybody gets that, and I appreciate that. I don’t think this is for everyone, and I’m not prescribing it for other people. Yes, it’s hard. Is it any harder than a monogamous relationship? I think all relationships between human beings are tough.
Q: Since you’ve decided to be exclusive with your girlfriend and your husband, do you think the term “open marriage” still applies?
A: I wish I knew. The language is one of the biggest problems. When I first started talking about this open marriage, people were like, “Oh, you’re swingers? You go to sex parties?” And I was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa … OK, we are obviously not down with the lingo.” We’re not saying what we mean to be saying. Is it still appropriate? I don’t know. I use it for lack of a better word.
There was a book in the ’70s, called Open Marriage, by a couple, the O’Neills. Two pages in that book talk about sex. What they were [mostly] talking about was maintaining your individuality, being open and honest with each other. So I’d like to think we’re part of that “open marriage” movement.
There are people who have all these interesting permutations of who they have romantic love relationships with, who they have family partnering relationships with and who they have sexual relationships with … It’s people trying to figure out something that people have been trying to figure out since the dawn of time, which is how to live and be happy and navigate relationships and sex and love — all the hardest and best parts of life.
Q: Do you identify with the gay community?
A: One hundred percent. I hate all the boxes and identifying, but if you ask me, I say I’m bisexual. I wrote the book in a gay coffee shop. You know, the gay community figured this stuff out a long time ago. In some ways because gays and lesbians can’t get married, that community has made up their own rules. If you’re not “allowed” to do traditional marriage, then “What is this relationship? How do we define it? What does this mean?”
Q: Your arrangement seems to scare some people. What do you think they’re afraid of?
A: I think they’re afraid of a couple things. Remember when you were in elementary school and you would chew a piece of gum in class? That one girl who always sat in the front row would catch you, and she’d tell on you. I remember thinking, “Why do you have to tell on me? I wasn’t bothering you. I wasn’t bothering anybody.” It’s almost like, “If I have to follow the rules and be miserable, then so do you.” And that makes me really sad. I think some people are so indoctrinated with their religion or morality or whatever [that] if they let go of that for one split second, their entire universe would come tumbling down. I mean, imagine if I’m on to something. Imagine if I’m “right.” What would that mean? —Pete Humes
www.richmondmagazine.com/ME2/dirmod.asp
posted by:
|
Los Angeles
|
-
Re: Interview with Author Jenny Block on Open Marriage / Polyamory
Thu, June 12, 2008 - 1:31 PMGo Jenny! More power to her. Hope the book sells well and more people are accepting of open marriage and polyamory because of it.
But by reproducing this interview you're violating the copyright of the author, and by spamming it as a topic rather than a listing or review on many tribes, you're violating tribe.net terms of use.
